


Terrence

by orphan_account



Category: EastEnders
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-06
Updated: 2012-06-06
Packaged: 2017-11-07 02:16:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/425785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Christian bumps into and old flame and it stirs up some not-so-happy memories. Trigger warning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Terrence

Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

Author's Note: This is a bit of a first-draft-ish. I'd like to get some thoughts on it but I will probably tweak it some more before I consider it 'finished'. It is mostly a task I set myself to get me thinking about Christian's character a bit more and hopefully improve the way I write him. I don't see why Syed should be the only one to have an interesting and somewhat difficult past life. This gap in knowledge is partly because I didn't see the episodes when his parents were over or the Amy/Roxy stuff. I was too busy then to keep up with regular television but I do feel that I have missed something by not seeing that because I feel that although I know his personality I don't know a lot about his personal history aside from the basics. This is my attempt to fill in what I see as some of the blanks and to work on my characterisation skills a bit. I know there are probably a few inconsistencies that need ironed out so the warnings of 'literary exercise' and 'first draft' stand.

Words: 6091

 

Terrence

 

~o0o~

 

Monday mornings were supposed to be fun. A quiet start to the week after Christian's busy weekend with clients. Christian had designated it as a day off a few weeks after starting up as a personal trainer when the pattern of his work had begun to work itself out. Monday morning was to them what Saturday morning was to everyone else. A lie in, lazy breakfast followed by going out shopping. Syed was all for doing a weekly shop but Christian had something grander in mind and dragged Syed instead to the tube station for a trip down Oxford Street and lunch in Hyde Park.

 

 

It was after a very pleasant picnic when they were walking back to the tube station at Marble Arch, when they were approached by a tall dark-haired Caucasian man about Christian's own age, or slightly younger. The very sight of him immediately caused Christian to put his hackles up. He stopped where he was standing and his hand gripped the shopping bags in his left hand.

 

Syed glanced at Christian in concern. Nothing about his lover's reaction to this man could be good and the way Christian and the stranger caught each other's eyes was particularly telling. Syed knew at once that his boyfriend and the other man had been intimate and, he guessed, something more than a one night stand. Not that the greeting could in any way be mistaken for warm. Christian's body language was cold, careful, edged with something dark that put Syed on edge.

 

“Christian... Well, well, well. This is a surprise.”

 

“Terrence!” Christian gulped and then tried to smile in that 'trying too hard' way of his. Syed did a double take. Terrence?! Wasn't that the name of Janine Butcher's dog? Or was it Tiffany's dog? No one actually called their child that, did they? He looked again that the stranger. No, Terrence.

 

“You look good. I've missed you,” Terrence stepped forwards holding a hand out. Christian took a step back which Terrence clearly noticed. His voice dropped and became cooler, almost threatening. “Come on, Christian. Shake my hand.”

 

Syed's eyes flickered to the stranger at the peculiar words and tone of voice but he didn't see anything to give him cause for concern. He knew how much Christian loved him and he felt secure in that.

 

“Christian...” Terrence, whispered. Syed was about to open his mouth and wade in on Christian's behalf when Christian got there first.

 

 

Christian swallowed then reached out and shook Terrence's hand. He hoped Syed hadn't noticed how much his hand was shaking but Terrence had, he knew it from the look in his ex's eye. The malice there, the threat. Silent communication that Christian knew Syed would never pick up on, certainly not from three feet away where he was standing. In his mind Christian willed Syed closer but he didn't dare say it out loud and appear weaker in front of Terrence than Terrence's very presence already made him.

 

“We should go out for a drink some time,” Terrence suggested.

 

“No. Thanks, but-”

 

“Well, wait, Christian. It might be nice. What about-”

 

“I said no, Sy!” Christian snapped, in a way he had never snapped at Syed before.

 

Syed physically stepped back and inside Christian wept because right now he needed Syed close, needed a touch, a hand in his, a brush of the shoulders – anything to drive away the cold shivers, the anger and nerves, the feeling of being dirty that no amount of scrubbing would ever wash off.

 

“Lets just go, yeah?” Christian suggested. He stepped towards Syed and reached for his hand but Syed pulled his hand away, rejecting him and instead looked to Terrence.

 

“I'm sorry Christian's being so rude, I don't know what's come over him. It was nice to meet you though. Maybe we'll see each other around, yeah?”

 

Christian stared disbelieving at Syed. Syed making nice with Terrence. Syed rejecting him when he needed him most and befriending the devil.

 

“I'll look forward to it,” Terrence replied and while his careful words were aimed at Syed his eyes were looking directly at Christian. Fifteen years melted away and he stood frozen to the spot, nearly going into shock as all the memories came streaming back. Lost in the jumble of his mind, he barely noticed that Terrence had left and Syed was calling him until a warm hand slipped into his, jarring him back to the present.

 

Christian jerked his hand back and he could immediately sense that he'd hurt Syed again but the thought of anyone touching him right now was unbearable. Not after remembering...

 

“Come on,” Christian muttered, “We're going to be late for the train.”

 

“Are you okay? You look a bit white.”

 

“Me? Sure. Fine. Lets just go yeah, get you back in time for Mosque.”

 

“In time for mosque or in time for a half hour in bed before mosque?” Syed teased, not picking up on Christian's carefully concealed mood. Unknown to Syed, Christian recoiled at the thought of sex.

 

“Don't want to make you late, do I? In fact why don't you just go straight there from Walford tube station, yeah? I'll carry the shopping home on my own.”

 

“Why? We have plenty of time.”

 

“Going back to the flat is out of your way.”

 

“But-”

 

“The station's closer to Mosque than the flat is. No point you walking all the way down to the flat and then back again, is there? And if you go straight there you'll have time to meet Tam before you go in. He's always asking you to meet up with him before prayers and I know how important it is to you that he's still talking to you.”

 

Playing the family card was a low blow. Syed wondered what Christian was up to but whatever it was it seemed like he wouldn't be moved and so he gave up trying and acquiesced, but the hint of awkwardness between them never quite faded away until they parted outside Walford tube station and Syed promised to be home in time for dinner.

 

~

Syed closed the door as he came into the flat and was pleased when he saw Christian was there. After what had happened earlier Syed wondered if he might have gone over to Jane's. It was a relief to find him home safe and sound.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Hey.” Christian got up from the sofa and moved away towards the bathroom door. Putting plenty of space between them, Syed couldn't help but notice.

 

“Everything okay?”

 

“Sure.”

 

The answer was too quick and they both knew it. Syed sighed and walked over to the kitchen area to put on the kettle.

 

“Christian...”

 

“Look, we're out of milk again, I better run to the minute mart.”

 

As he was now standing beside it, Syed opened the fridge to check. “Funny, because by my estimation if you buy any more milk we're going to be swimming in it,” He tried to joke.

 

It fell flat.

 

Christian paused for a moment and then brushed past Syed and grabbed his jacket anyway. “Well then I'll go for a walk anyway and skip the milk. Nice evening, warm sunshine – might as well enjoy summer while it lasts, yeah?”

 

“That sounds nice. I'll come with you.”

 

“You know what, forget it.”

 

Syed stared at Christian as he dropped the jacket over a chair, flopped down on the sofa and grabbed his favourite cushion in a tell-tale bear hug. Syed knew that stance. Something was up.

 

“I'm sorry,” Syed told him. “Whatever it is I did that you're upset about, I'm sorry.”

 

“Its nothing.”

 

“Well sorry but clearly its not or you wouldn't be abusing that stupid cushion again. You've been in a strop ever since meeting that Terrence guy. You were short with him, you were snapping at me, you sent me off to mosque making it quite clear you didn't want me coming home with you when I was really hoping for at least a kiss before I left. You know how hard it is for me with everyone staring at me. The least you can do is tell me what happened with Terrence that you're not telling me about.”

 

“Can you not say his name, please?”

 

“See? That's exactly what I mean. Look, if you're mad at me for being friendly to him I'm sorry. I was only trying to be nice and you weren't exactly giving me a lot of pointers, cutting me out like you did.”

 

Christian gave him the silent treatment.

 

Syed grabbed the cushion and tugged it away leaving Christian empty handed. He made a grab for it and missed.

 

“Hey! Sy! Come on, Sy, give it back.”

 

There was a stalemate, until Syed took a step forwards. Christian lunged for the cushion but Syed whipped it out of the way. “I'll give it back if you tell me what's wrong.”

 

“Sy...” Christian sighed.

 

Syed raised his eyebrows. Christian sighed and threw his hands in the air but gave in to Syed's power play. “Fine. Now give!”

 

Slowly Syed walked forwards until he was right in front of Christian, then he pecked them on the cheek and gracefully gave it back. Christian didn't bother saying thanks. He grabbed it and flopped down on the sofa, mood worse than ever.

 

“So, given a choice between your boyfriend and your favourite cushion, you go for the cushion? Thanks, I love you too.”

 

Christian snorted.

 

“Fine. You don't have to be nice to me, but you did agree to tell me what's bothering you.”

 

“Nothing's bothering me. I just need some space, that's all. If you can't deal with me not being all over you every minute of the day that's your problem.”

 

“My problem? My problem? You're the one acting like a two year old child throwing a tantrum. You know, ever since we met Terrence you've been short tempered and moody. What is with you today?”

 

Christian jumped up and threw the cushion aside. “What is with me is that I love you and I needed you and you fucking...God, you and your stupid, stupid fear of public displays. I needed you to show me that you cared about me. Just once, Sy. I needed you to open your eyes and bloody see how difficult that was for me.”

 

Syed was taken aback by Christian's words. They'd said hello in the street, that was all. What was Christian getting so worked up over.

 

“You and him were doing fine. I'm sorry if I didn't want to have the whole awkward old-boyfriend meets new-boyfriend routine. We said hello, you I just thought I'd give you a little space to deal with it, that's all.”

 

“I needed you Syed. You were so busy gawking at Terrence trying not to be jealous to even notice that I was...that I...I...” Bile rose up in Christian's throat unbidden. His stomach curdled at the wave of unbidden emotions. He began again after a long moment when he felt a bit more confident he wasn't going to throw up. “I needed you to be on my side, that's what I needed, so next time don't start putting me down and cosying up to my ex like he's your new best friend.”

 

“You were fine. You looked fine, you said you were fine.”

 

“Well I wasn't fucking fine, Sy.”

 

“Alright, then. I'm sorry. Let me know how and I'll...make it up to you,” Syed smirked suggestively but Christian recoiled.

 

“In case you haven't worked it out yet, I'm mad at you and I want a bit of space, alright?”

 

“Mad at me? What for? For talking to Terrence? You were talking to Terrence!”

 

“Its not about Terrence. It is, but its … not. Look, just leave it, yeah?”

 

They ended up sitting on the sofa in silence, each keeping a careful distance from the other. Christian was giving off those 'don't touch me' vibes that worried him so much. He watched Christian. Watched him stew and hug the cushion tighter.

 

“Stupid name, Terrence.”

 

Christian just snorted.

 

“You and he split on bad terms, then?”

 

Christian sighed. “Guess you could say that. But its not important.”

 

“Well it is to me,” Syed said quietly. He paused to take another good look at Christian and saw him still doing the self-pity thing and he knew unless someone did something about it Christian would be like this all night. “When you said you were fine earlier, you weren't really fine, were you?”

 

“What does it matter, Sy?”

 

“It matters because I love you.”

 

Christian was silent, not ignoring Syed this time, it was more like he was trying to figure out what to say. Syed didn't push him but carefully he draped his arm around Christian's shoulders and pulled him back to lean against him. Syed propped his feet up on the coffee table and in a reverse of their usual position, Syed's hand came up to caress Christian's short hair, running his hand through it dislodging it from its gel. Syed did it because it was something Christian did, but he was surprised when Christian 'mmm'ed in approval and leaned into his hand.

 

“Like that?”

 

“My mum used to do this when I was a kid. Since before I can remember. If I had a nightmare or the neighbours were fighting again she'd lay me down or sit with me, just like this, and stroke my hair. She stopped when I...”

 

“Came out?”

 

“Yeah. I miss it, you know. It always made me feel safe.”

 

“Tell me something else.”

 

“Ah, my own personal psychologist. Alright, Doctor Freud,” Christian shifted about, deliberately making it uncomfortable for Syed as he settled down. “The short version, I felt rejected by my parents when I came out and being a poor abandoned child all alone in the world, I've spent most of the the years since searching for some nameless thing that will miraculously fill the gaping hole. That do you?”

 

“Yes, actually. Very telling.”

 

“And what is the Good Doctor's diagnosis?”

 

“That I love you, Christian Clarke, and translated into plain English that means you're not alone any more and if I wasn't as supporting earlier as you needed me to be, I'm sorry, but I'm here now so instead of snuggling up to that poor abused pillow you could always try talking to me about whatever it is that's bothering you and we'll work it out together, as a couple.”

 

Christian began to sit up, feeling vulnerable once more at Syed's persistent questioning, not that he would say as much out loud. “I'm sorry, I just, I don't know if I can talk to you about this.”

 

“Is it me?”

 

“No, of course not. Look, its my problem, alright. You've got enough of your own issues to deal with, you don't need to deal with mine too so just leave it, yeah?”

 

“Christian, we've talked about this. We agreed not to hide things from each other. Its not just your problem if it affects our relationship. Now, I'd never be as calm as you were if we stumbled upon one of my old flames in the street. Unless it was Justin from my fourth form geography class. We kissed behind the bike shed after school one day and he offered more but I turned him down.”

 

“Not tempting enough for you?”

 

“I was slightly put off by being in school grounds in broad daylight, but he still loaned me 'My Beautiful Launderette' so it wasn't all bad. Now stop changing the subject.”

 

Christian snorted and settled down again. “Worth a try.”

 

“So, this Terrence...”

 

“Sy, please, would you just drop it already?”

 

“I'm your boyfriend, Christian, I'm allowed to be worried about you.”

 

“What?”

 

“I said I'm allowed to be worried about you.”

 

“No the other bit.”

 

“I said...I said I'm your boyfriend.”

 

A caring smile crept across Christian's face. “Partner,” Christian corrected. “You're my partner.”

 

“Partner,” Syed tested and then nodded in approval.

 

“Do you mind if we don't have sex tonight?”

 

“Well, considering the way you are the other six and a half days of the week, I think I can forgive you just this once.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

“Any particular reason why?”

 

“No. Don't feel like it, that's all.”

 

“So nothing to do with Terrence.”

 

“Syed stop. I mean it.”

 

“Why are you being like this, Christian. I've told you anything you've asked about all of my boyfriends. Well, one night stands, but still. I ask about one of yours whom I've actually met and you clam up completely.”

 

“Because I don't want you anywhere near him. Not within a hundred miles. Terrence is...he's...dangerous.”

 

“Dangerous?”

 

Christian sighed and pulled away. He knew this would happen. Syed said he wanted to know but as soon as he tried to open up Sy acted like he was being ridiculous.

 

“I admit he seemed a little weird but don't you think labelling him dangerous is going a bit far?”

 

Christian turned his shoulder away, unable to look at Syed as he said what he needed to. “He used to beat me. There, I said it. You wanted to know what's wrong? That's what's wrong. That's why I'm so put out about seeing him today. I didn't 'give you a lot of pointers' because I was too busy being scared shitless at the sight of him.”

 

“He beat you? Christian...”

 

“I know, I know, I should have told you sooner but I just couldn't. I didn't know how.”

 

“Anything else?”

 

Christian hesitated.

 

“Christian, I'm not judging you. I love you. Whatever you need, I'll do. I promise.”

 

“He raped – well it wasn't really rape he just forced me a couple of times. It was stupid. It wasn't anything. Look, forget I told you that.”

 

“Christian...” Syed moved in to hug Christian but Christian got up and moved across the room. “Don't Sy, please. I'm sorry but please don't.”

 

Hurt once more at what he perceived as Christian's rejection, Syed got up and moved towards the door. “Why don't I pop over and get Jane. She'll...know what to do.”

 

“No,” Christian jumped up off the sofa and approached the table where Syed was standing. “Stay,” He urged reaching out a hand that Syed took. “I know what you were hoping for tonight and I'm sorry I can't give you that, but I just need some time, that's all. I promise.”

 

“Christian, for God's sake, I don't need sex every single night. I was hoping you might let me comfort you but you obviously don't want to be touched right now and you know I'm not much good with words. I don't know what you want me to do, Christian. I love you, but I don't know how to deal with this stuff. I don't know anything about domestic violence or rape or any of it. I know I'm supposed to tell that it wasn't your fault but I don't think platitudes are going to help much right now.”

 

Christian scoffed but he did squeeze Syed's fingers and finally looked up to meet his eyes. “I was trying to protect you,” Christian confessed quietly. “I sent you off to Mosque in case he decided to follow us. I didn't want him knowing that you lived with me. I don't want him knowing anything about us. I couldn't bear it if anything happened to you.”

 

“Well I will say this. I'm proud of you.”

 

At that, Christian stared. His expression was one of disbelief tinged with vulnerability and a hint of awe. “What did you say?”

 

“I said I'm proud of you. All I saw was you being rude, I should have considered how difficult it might be for you, especially if you split on bad terms. I didn't mean to side with him, I was just trying to be nice, but if that's how I came across, I'm sorry. You were more civil to him than a lot of people would be to their exes and especially given what happened, I'm proud of you for that.”

 

Christian looked at him for a long moment and then his eyes began to mist up. He sat forwards, still hugging the cushion and began casting careful sideways glances at Syed, slightly disbelieving of what he was hearing. Syed heard a tell tale short, sharp sigh, the one Christian let out when he was feeling a bit overcome and trying not to show it. Then there was a sniffle and Christian swallowed and glanced sideways at Syed again before looking down.

 

Syed observed Christian carefully and wondered. He was so staunchly independent, so determinedly comfortable in who and what he was that his confidence was practically an offensive weapon. Christian Clarke, island. One man against the world. Christian Clarke who was so good at putting on a brave front that even his lover sometimes forgot there were layers underneath. Layers Christian hardly ever shared with anyone. Vulnerable layers that held the hurts of parental rejection, abuse from society, failed love affairs, loneliness...

 

Everyone needed someone and Christian needed him and Syed felt like kicking himself in the head for being stupid.

 

“I'm guessing its a while since anyone told you that.”

 

“Maybe just a little while.”

 

“You know you're so good at being strong, at being the out and proud gay man.”

 

“Read: drama queen,” Christian ad libbed.

 

“Stop putting yourself down like that! Allowing yourself to be angry, to be hurt, to need comfort – that's not being a drama queen, Christian, that's...being human. You're so good at putting on that shell and at comforting me when I need it that I forget you need comfort too.”

 

Christian turned away, feeling awkward at the attention on his feelings that he wasn't used to.

 

“Christian Clarke, one man island, against the world – its over. Finished. From now on we deal with all our problems together.”

 

“I'm not used to people taking care of me, Sy.”

 

“I know. You're so good at being the strong one. Its been Christian Clarke against the world for so long that I think you've forgotten what its like to be cared about by someone. To let someone else be the strong one.”

 

“I haven't forgotten, Sy. I tried, with Terrence and with Ashley but you know how both of those went. I don't know if I can do that again. When I was attacked way back in the beginning, the way you took care of me was amazing. I'll never forget it, but too much has happened. You wouldn't leave Amira and you kept putting me last and and then when everything did come out, it all happened for all the wrong reasons. I was hurt, you were hurt, your family were hurt... After the way things had been with Terrnce I couldn't let myself be in that sort of relationship again and I know its not your fault, I know you were just trying to protect yourself and your family but what you're asking now, I can't, Sy. Not yet. Its bigger than trusting you to come back from visiting Tam or trusting you to still be there in the morning. That sort of trust I'm managing. I'm coping with that.”

 

Syed was silent for a long moment as his expression grew sombre. “I had no idea you saw things that way. You don't even trust me with my own brother?”

 

“I do, Sy, that's the whole point, but after everything that's happened it takes effort. Loving you and trusting you are two completely different things. You've been here long enough that I trust you not to leave but I don't know if I can trust you to put me first yet. You have so much of your own stuff to deal with. I know you want to help me. You want to be here for me but it'll be a while before I trust you to follow up on that.”

 

“Why didn't you tell me. Do you know what its like to hear what you've just said after six weeks of living together?”

 

“I didn't want to hurt you, that's why I didn't tell you before, but you asked me to be honest and I do trust you now. Maybe in time I can learn to trust you about more personal stuff, but you can't expect it to happen over night. It just don't work like that.”

 

When Christian stopped talking Syed remained silent. Christian brushed their joined hands with his thumb.

 

“Come on, Syed. Say something.”

 

“I suppose I did ask you to be honest,and I'm grateful you have been. I want you feel you can be honest with me. It hurts, I won't like to you, but maybe this could be a new starting point. Mum and Dad always said that relationships were hard work. We've been living in a honeymoon haven't we? Now reality's creeping in, but I don't want it to come between us. I want you to be able to trust me. I want to earn that from you. You are too important to me to loose over some stupid trust issue that I'm too proud to accept is my fault. So, I guess this is where the hard work begins.”

 

“You really mean that?”

 

“I do. But you better prepare yourself for some hard graft as well, Mister. If you think you're continuing on with this 'Christian Clarke, one man island' routine you have another thing coming.”

 

“I can live with that.”

 

“So, no more stewing in private, alright? And if I ever do something that makes you feel uncomfortable I want you to say something.”

 

“What like that time last week when you kneed me in the groin?” Christian teased him. It had hurt a bit at the time, but fortunately Syed's aim had been off due to him mostly being unconscious at the time.

 

“That was one time and I was having a nightmare. It was an accident.”

 

“Of course it was...” Christian dragged it out. As much to distract Syed as to tease him.

 

“Seriously, Christian.”

 

“Fine, fine. Have it your way. I swear to spill my guts out to you at every available opportunity.”

 

“Well not every opportunity.”

 

“Once a week then, that do you?” Christian asked, suddenly serious. He felt Syed wasn't going to let this go and it was better to deal with it and be done with it than drag it out longer than necessary and he did want to trust Syed. If this was how Syed thought they could get there then maybe it was worth a go.

 

Syed, surprised at Christian's seriousness, nodded and smiled. “But not just gushing our feelings, I need to know what I'm supposed to do. If you need me to, I don't know, hug your more or something and there's something that I want you to think about doing too. Don't bite my head off, but I was thinking that maybe you should see someone. A...counsellor, or something.”

 

Christian just shook his head. “I'm dealing with it.”

 

“I'm only asking you to think about it,” Syed reminded him.

 

“Argh! Fine. You know I won't change my mind but if it shuts you up I'll think about it. Satisfied?”

 

Syed gave him a chaste kiss. “Thank you.”

 

“Is that everything or do I have to jump through a few loops too?”

 

“What about sex?” Syed asked quietly.

 

“I still like sex with you, Sy. Always have. That hasn't changed because you've suddenly found out about this.”

 

“Doesn't it remind you of him though?”

 

“I told you once before, Sy, that I won't put my life on hold for you. Well I won't put it on hold for him either. I like sex, you know that. I know I have issues, but I deal with them in my own way. I'll try and be more open with you about, you know, not feeling like it and all that but I won't let it define me. Rape is about power. He wanted to control me. He tried to control me with violence and when I rebelled against him he resorted to rape. I have low moments, of course I do, but he doesn't control me any more because I won't let him. My life is with you now and he has no part in that.”

 

“Well, anyway, if you do want to, I don't know, pause things for a while...”

 

“And your raging libido can cope with that, can it?”

 

Syed blushed. “Not raging...”

 

Christian chuckled and then leaned in to kiss him. “Raging,” He said again but as soon as it had gone the levity fled again and Christian sighed sadly and then moved in closer again Syed.

 

“If we do this, Sy, there's no going back. You're asking me to expose the most vulnerable parts of myself and trust you with that. If you have any doubts about being happy in this relationship or about it being what you want then tell me now because I can't share what you're asking me to share if you have the slightest doubt about us. I know you hate talking about how you feel but I have to ask, you understand that and I won't be mad, I promise, I just need to know.”

 

“I'm yours,” Syed replied simply.

 

Christian stared at him for a long moment and only once he was satisfied that the look in Syed's eyes was genuine did he take Syed in his arms and envelop him in a tight hug. Unlike other hugs before in the relationship this wasn't a lazy excuse for a last caress after sex, a casual brush of the hips in anticipation, a joyful reunion or a pre-sex full body hug. This was desperation, a survivor who had spent his life clinging to his lone rock waiting to be rescued, clinging to his salvation who had relieved him of a life of loneliness and fear.

 

Syed was taken aback, he could barely breathe, he was sure he felt a rib crack but he didn't dare say anything and risk disturbing the moment. After long seconds Christian's grip tightened, he pressed himself into Syed's body and buried his face and one hand into the thick lock's of Syed's hair.

 

“God, Sy...I need you so much.”

 

Syed responded by rubbing Christian's back and a sudden wave of guilt washed over him. If relationships were about giving and receiving in equal measure he'd been taking advantage and treating Christian unfairly in the short weeks since they'd got back together. Christian was a giver all the way, he naturally gave out hugs and kisses and affection. What Syed suspected now was that rather than being for the reassurance of the other person it was Christian's way of seeking out the affection and love that he craved but had always felt too afraid to ask for. From now on, Syed swore, he would try to be more proactive, do more giving and not just sit back and wallow in all the affection and caring Christian piled on him. Christian had been looking for something, he realised, something it was long time he gave back and so he pushed back but he was stopped by Christian's resistance and he at once pulled back, sensitive to the possibility of making Christian feel awkward. He was surprised when Christian didn't pull back completely, as he had earlier after meeting Terrence, but only pulled back far enough to look Syed in the eye.

 

“Touching,” Christian declared out of the blue.

 

“Sorry?”

 

“I'd like it if you touched me more. You know, not anything to make you feel uncomfortable just little things. A hand on my shoulder, playing with my hair, rubbing my stomach, necking, a kiss on the cheek... More of that stuff would be, well, I'd like it. As stupid as it sounds, it makes me feel safe and I need that. I mean, I know in my head that you care about me but I'm a physical guy. Your version of close is a bit like standing on the same side of the street instead of opposite sides or the occasional peck on the cheek and I know that its not the easiest thing for you to do but I need more than that. It doesn't have to be anything you're uncomfortable with, we can work it out, but to feel you reach out for me more often would – well it would help.”

 

“Okay. I'll work on it.”

 

Christian smiled and then, as before, his face grew serious again. “Sy, I...”

 

“Shh. Its okay. You don't need to say anything.”

 

Christian squeezed his hand gratefully and something very intimate and private passed between them in that moment.

 

“Now, how about I dig out the Pringles and pour you a glass of that ridiculously expensive wine Roxy gave to you last week and we spend the evening snuggled up on the sofa watching mindless television.”

 

“Well, that depends.”

 

“On?” Syed frowned. He couldn't think of any problem with his plan.

 

“How much attention I have to pay to the mindless television and how much I can devote to,” Christian paused, “Other, things.”

 

Syed's cock jumped. Still he told his over-eager body not to get too carried away. Not after Christian had just revealed what he had. “I thought you didn't want sex,” Syed hedged.

 

“Who said anything about sex?” Christian whispered seductively.

 

Oh, so it was like that was it, Syed thought to himself. 'Tease.'

 

Then just as soon as the Sex God streak arrived it was gone and playful, joking Christian was back. “Its been at least a week since we slouched on the sofa all night making out like randy teenagers.”

 

Syed groaned. He just had to play the good boyfriend card didn't he. 'Anything you need', he heard himself say. What had he been thinking?

 

“Well, you did say anything. Come on, what's not to love? Your boyfriend, the sofa and lots of interesting things to nibble – and I'm not talking about the Pringles.”

 

“You're going to kill me with frustration, you know that?”

 

“Or,” Christian paused carefully, “You could trust me.”

 

Syed's eyes flickered to Christian's and they immediately latched on and held each other's gaze.

 

~


End file.
